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Dec. 18th, 2007

My next door neighbor,  FSM love him, is bat-shit. These other day, when we had some 'fresh powder', he was outside skiing down the minor slope behind our houses. See, I may live on the only street with a 'hill' in Columbus for miles. A glorified slope, I say. Before there were houses, a creek might have been here, who knows or remembers or cares? Nobody alive, thats who. What's more, It rained a fuck ton and made any snow on the ground a sheet of filthy mess, and then he was skiing again. I swear to god I am not making any of this up.

Anyway. Roommate and I got into a drinking contest last night, whoever passed out first lost. Two bottles of liquor later, I wake up on the couch at 11 am to my defeat.

-Godpasta, who will have her revenge


I have several things to report, most importantly:

I'm going to have a niece.

Thats right. A female baby my sister has made so that I may spoil her and fulfill my dream of making her hate my other sisters in favor of me. All my dreams are coming true right before my very eyes! Healthy and normal and awesome Im told. Take that, everyone I know with NIECES!

Its going to snow, I hope a whole shitton. Still really excited.

My mom got a Siamese Kitten for X-mas
Pete Von Pretty Eyes
His name is Pete, short for Peter Parker. Yes, Spiderman. Somehow, having NO influence on the name, he still got an awesome name. And I know its not the best picture, my parents house is a cave of lighting. He is super sweet, albeit psycho. He chews on hair, crys super loud all of the time, follows you like a dog, sleeps on your neck and all of this occurs within seconds. Spaz.

I feel bad not saying more about my NIECE, but I don't know her yet.
The Godpasta'a NIECE, yeah.
I'm so excited its snowing right now that I could shit myself. In February, however, I will be shitting myself when I shoot my brains out because Im so tired of the snow. (See, 'cause when you die, you 'void') This happens every year. BUT! I never get excited the first time it gets really fucking hot or when any event during the summer comes along, because I hate that crapbag season.

I love the weather channel.

Also, as note to the money hungry: I made mad cash selling my old video games online (I have a total of ten I think). I now know what it feels like to be people who rob me!

The Holiday Card is being made. Email your address if you want one. This years will be hand drawn, because I had to find a way around the little detail of having no printer. They will be color copied and sent using my beautiful stamps.

godpasta @ gmail dot com

Crazy Crazy heart

So I got the call from the doctor for my heart shit and I believe the diagnosis was: DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE YOUNG AND INVINCIBLE!

Really its something called a Junction Rhythm, you can look it up, I barely understand it. Doktor says it will go away, and it did! Yay! There is a chance of it just happening throughout my WONDERFUL 101 YEAR OLD LIFE, but now I don't have to go to bed with worries of dying in my sleep randomly.

I suggest reading this.  I will now place a wiki article in all my posts, if I post at all ever.

-Godpasta, who will at least settle til 92

Oct. 28th, 2007

So I went home this weekend to go to the DOKTORS about the scary heart thing, still no news, but it hasn't gotten worse, and i'm not dead, so yay!

I was hoping to go to Hocking Hillz to enjoy the SIGHTZ and take PICKTURZ but I had to go get freaking bloodwork done. AND I spent and entire day with this weird heart monitor contraption strapped to myself and it was itchy. I played video games non-stop. Watched Ohio State win. I saw my sisters sonogram pictures of MY future niece or nephew.

Went to watch the Bengals game, down at the stadium. It was fun, I find that the dudes behind our row of season tickets are guys with a drinking and vulgarity problem. I got mad sunburned and it was 55 degrees out.

Im not dead yet, so stop trying usurp me!

Aunt Cake

My days of jealousy over other people having nieces or nephews are OVER! Now begin all of you being jealous of me 'cause im gonna be an AUNT!

skwidman16 (4:13:43 PM): dick
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skwidman16 (4:14:40 PM): endicke iglesias
skwidman16 (4:15:25 PM): your dads favorite band, Cheap Dick
skwidman16 (4:15:59 PM): in next years NFL draft, you'll be the first dick
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skwidman16 (4:16:29 PM): michael moores controversial new film, Dicko
skwidman16 (4:16:44 PM): Stevie Dicks
skwidman16 (4:17:00 PM): Dicks Sporting Bads
skwidman16 (4:17:29 PM): you're like the bad joke on a popsicle dick
skwidman16 (4:18:26 PM): You needed to buy some canvas, so you went to Dick's Arts and Crafts
skwidman16 (4:18:47 PM): Dick and Span
skwidman16 (4:19:13 PM): you cheap ballpoint pens from Dic
skwidman16 (4:19:20 PM): *you buy
skwidman16 (4:19:40 PM): Jimminy Dick
skwidman16 (4:20:04 PM): Blow out that candle before it burns down the dick
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skwidman16 (4:20:53 PM): Rikki Dicky Tavi
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skwidman16 (4:25:43 PM): the stream had died down to a dickle of water
skwidman16 (4:25:49 PM): icedickle
skwidman16 (4:27:23 PM): Hungry?  Grab a Dickers.
skwidman16 (4:27:29 PM): New York Dicks
skwidman16 (4:29:02 PM): Why did the dicken cross the road?  To get to the other dick.  Because you're gay.
skwidman16 (4:29:37 PM): Ted Dickland
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skwidman16 (4:31:42 PM): Lets go to the theater and catch a dick.
skwidman16 (4:31:52 PM): Dick Cheney
skwidman16 (4:32:10 PM): The Dicking River
skwidman16 (4:33:42 PM): The Legend of Dicky Bobby
skwidman16 (4:36:44 PM): sometimes high school kids break off into groups called dicks
skwidman16 (4:37:10 PM): The Quilted Dicker Picker-Upper
skwidman16 (4:37:32 PM): or better yet, the Quilted Quicker Dicker-Upper
skwidman16 (4:35:48 PM): some like William Shatner, but I'll always prefer Pat-dick Stewart
skwidman16 (4:38:54 PM): the Dicktric of Columbia

Wall plugs are for pussies!

Imagine if you will:
I gets me a new old radio from a garage sale, besides looking cool and being old, it doesnt function even a little so I leave it on the kitchen counter to inspect it every once in a while. Its full of tubes and shit, so im terrified to touch it. Anyway, later I find myself needing to charge my fucking great MP3 player, so I do it on the kitchen counter. Late while reheating my dindin, I come across this chance encounter and feel the need to photodocument it and share it.

Also, you can see that my microwave is predicting what will come of this world because of this meeting.


I have a problem, you see. But not with some outside influence, no, it's with my mind. I watch the Weather Channel too fucking much. I like to, besides THE MIRACLE of predicting the future (pack of fucking witches, I say), the weather interests me and therefore I can watch for hours on end. Really.  Right now, im gazing at a forocious line of storms in Indiana, guessing when it will get here, were (Columbus) under a Thunderstorm watch.

SO, I was doing this the other day, at my parents place, when old man anchor states that the Weather Channel is going HD. Several things go through my head at this point:

"Wait, what?"

"Holy shit, that sounds like a waste of money and time, how retarded"


My parents have HDtv.

You know, I know the music they play during the local forecasts, I have been known to hum it while at work. I know what anchors are my favorites and I also know that I hate that fucking bastard Jim Cantore, that self-righteous cock-sucking prick. I hope, while braving the hurricanes in front of a camera that he gets mugged and possibly stabbed because thats dumb standing outside in a damn hurricane.

Makes for good TV

Bastard coworkers

So my bastard coworkers, those bitches, have been chatting it up, the subject: Their nieces. What the hell?! I want a niece!

I do not want my own chillin, I just want more than anything in this world, is to spoil my sisters kids so much that they hate their mom and love me. They have to hate their other aunt too.

I've already begun the plan, to win their hearts (I assume the plural). Toys, candies, fun trips to amusement parks and zoos, sabotage. Thats right. Anything my sister tries, I will turn to my favor.

Future Niece: "Oh, it's present from Aunt Allie! I wonder what it could be, I hope its that new video game I wanted! Oh wait, it's just a box of horse hoof shavings! What the hell, Aunt Allie, do you even love me anymore?"

Me: "No, niece, she hates you! What a horrible thing to give to a darling angle like you! Heres the game you wanted and fifty dollars and a giant ass lollipop for your trouble. Later, we we'll hatch a plan to fill Aunt Allies bed with spiders and centipedes!"

Future Niece: "Aunt Kate, can I come live with you?"

Me: "God no! Love from afar, sweetie! From afar!"